some people are just way too fucking confusing for their own good.

I keep thinking...

what if things were reversed?

without being too cheesy...

I can honestly say, there are few people in my life that I would feel incomplete without.

I feel as though...

I've fucked up.

[for lack of a better term. "screwed" or "messed" don't begin to describe it.]

I'm gonna be layed up, at home, for a good 2 1/2 - 3 weeks... and I don't think I'm gonna see or talk to some of the people I want to the most.

pushing pushing pushing.
pressure pressure pressure.

that's all I feel like I do.

I push push push on the people I want closest to me.

I put pressure on our friendship/relationship.

Then I get upset about it because there's tension... when it's my own fucking fault!

And then I do crap like this, and post whiny pity parties for myself...

The truth is, I've done something wrong.
The problem is, I don't know what I did.
And furthermore, I don't know how to fix it.

I think it's all the "wanting what you can't have."

Damn. I don't want you.

Maybe if I say it enough I'll start to believe it.

blech

That's really all I've felt lately.

I keep doing this thing where [if I'm not working] I'll wake up at a decent hour [maybe 8 or so] and I'll eat breakfast. And then I realize that none of my friends are up, and so far the day has nothing to offer me... and I have nothing to offer the day... so I just crawl back into bed. This is really not a habit I'd like to get into.

Stupid surgery.
Stupid Clark
Stupid Katy.

Yes, I know, getting down on myself, blah blah blah. Get over it. I'm whining and I don't care.

Do you ever just wish you could ask someone to consider you? Like say to them "Ok, so, I understand that you really don't feel the same about me as I do  you, but hear me out. Have you ever actually thought about giving it a try?" Yeah, I know it's silly. Feelings are feelings... there's really no logic to them. So you can't really look at it from that angle. But sometimes it might be nice to...

I'm gonna be 100 percent honest here: I don't like the way I'm living my life. I'd like to be more in touch with God. I'd like to pray more and go back to church. I'd like to stop doing what I'm doing most nights... as fun as it is... I usually wake up the next morning going "why?" I hate it when I'm acting over confident... I listen to some of the things I say to people and go "What are you saying?!"  Oh, and I'm terrible, absolutely horrible at making the first move. I have a hard enough time asking people to dance... so what makes me think that I'm suddenly going to conquer that fear when I KNOW nothing will come of it, except maybe a weird look and a lot of embarassment.

Well, I think I'm finally done trying.

I think I'm giving up. 

And tomorrow... tomorrow is a new day.